Hey? How’s it going? Haven’t seen this in a while, now have you?
I have been pretty awall for the last month or so. I was back on track there for a hot sec, but then-woops! Straight back off the rails. During the last couple of months, I was completing an adventure that I had been working on for two years. I finally graduated from my community college with my Associates in Arts! Leading up to my graduation, I had the normal finals and school stuff filling my life. However, I also got caught up in my head and battled a lot with depersonalization. I don’t know how many of you know what depersonalization is. To keep it short and sweet, it is a feeling of unreality or floating. It can often feel like you are not present in your own body, and it makes it incredibly hard to stay in the moment.
(As a helpful side note: I encourage those interested in depersonalization, or any mental illness, to research it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health (DSM). We are currently in the 5th edition, and it is an incredibly helpful tool for both clinicians and those seeking more information on various mental disorders. )
This episode was triggered by completing the giant thing that I had been looking forward to for years. So, not only did I not have time to make content, but my mind was not in the place to be coming up with ideas. I am gradually working out of this episode, but it is going to take me a bit. In the meantime, I have two graduation related stories to tell you this week.
My Graduation Cap
I have been scouring the interwebs and pinterest for graduation cap designs for months. I am the kind of type A person that needs to have their cap planned out way in advance. I wasn’t allowed to decorate my cap when I graduated from high school. Therefore, I felt like this was my chance. I had some time to figure out what I wanted to do and pick quotes that I liked, but I needed to start getting the ball rolling. First, I needed the perfect quote. I had a *massive* list that I liked. Most of them were from musicals, which is to be expected. Other quotes came from my favorite songs or books. My contenders were as follows:
Hamilton:
History has its eyes on me.
My plan is to fan this spark into a flame.
I will never be satisfied.
Dear Evan Hansen:
All we see is sky for forever
It takes a little patience, takes a little time. A little perseverance and a little uphill climb.
The Greatest Showman
Too many to count. Seriously.
Macklemore
“I have made it through the darkest part of the night, and now I see the sunrise. I feel glorious.”
Little Women
“She has read too many books, and it has changed her brain.”
^I still plan on using this one at some point. It was my second choice.
But the winner ended up being (drum roll please…)
“I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I have to believe the best does.”-Anne of Green Gables.
Once I chose my quote, I got to work. I painted my cap for at least five hours a day for two days. I made it through the first two season of the Magicians and the first five episode of Black Lightning. Friday, the morning before my graduation, I got cocky. I glued my cardstock down to my cap without checking the direction of the words. Turns out that I had glued the design in the wrong direction. After an appropriate amount of panicking (I had been working on this project for two days at this point), I tore the old cardstock off the top and started again. I painted my cap for nine hours on Friday, only leaving my room for dinner and a short outing to the craft store.
Short side note: I had written over 200 note cards for my Abnormal Psychology final earlier in the week. By the time I finished my cap, my hand was actually twitching.
My cap is nowhere near perfect. The lettering could be cleaner and one of the flowers fell off after the ceremony. Still, I am pretty dang proud of it.
Lesson learned: Make sure to double check EVERYTHING before gluing anything down.
Feeling Loved
The general consensus of the students at my community college was “don’t get involved, get out.” People definitely didn’t set down roots at my school. Very few people interacted with the on campus activities that we did have, which were few and far between. There were clubs that hung out after school (like the newspaper I was an editor for). However, it took a lot of effort to coax people to stay at school any longer than absolutely necessary. Because most everyone was planning to my their great escapes as far away from my school as they could get after graduation, students often weren’t interesting in making lasting friendships or connections. I have a couple of close friends from my time at my CC, which is more than average. However, I ended up putting down roots. I got tired of sitting in my car and eating lunch by myself. Coming from a small high school with teachers and friends that were always around and were incredibly supportive, I didn’t deal well with the gray walls and even grayer feel of my CC. I also followed the incredible advice that my friend, Emma, gave. She told me that I couldn’t wait to be happy until I got to my four year university. I could be happy at my CC, I just had to put the effort in.
It all started when I got my work study job. At first, my lovely team of admins were my bosses. I was on my toes all the time around them, trying to out perform all the work study students that had come before me.
Side note: I was devastated the first time I had to call out sick for work. No one had explained to me how it worked and I happened to call out during a very busy week. I was sure that I hadn’t given my admins enough notice and that I was going to get written up or something. That is how on my toes I was in the beginning.
Slowly but surely, my admins started being more than my bosses. They asked me about my life and started remembering the names of my family members. They took care of me when I had my first panic attack and fought for me when I was suddenly prevented from working because of FAFSA complications (which is a whole other story). They even made cupcakes for my birthday and decorated my desk. By the end of my time as a work study student, my admins and I had bonded. We were all a hot mess the day that I left.My little office full of ladies who had become my friends was exactly the environment that I needed to grow.
Then I started to get involved in clubs. I decided to start going to the newspaper on a whim, and ended up taking on the roll of Non-Fiction Editor. My newspaper was an absolute blast, and I met a whole crew of interesting people at various stages of their academics careers.
Lastly, I started opening up to professors. I had a stellar english professor my first semester that always said, “words are like a box of crayons. It is up to you to choose the which ones you want to use to paint your picture.” At the end of the semester, I painted her the first part of this quote, and she still has the painting hanging in her office. I went through a pretty serious health crisis at the end of last year and the beginning of this one which required me to leave class early for doctor's appointments. Unfortunately, I usually had to leave during my Psych 150 class, which was my favorite class last semester. I built up a pretty good rapport with my professors during the first couple of weeks of the class. Eventually, my psychology professor started asking why I was leaving so often. I thought she would be pissed that I was leaving her class. Quite the opposite! She offered to do so much to help me get through her class and overcome what I was going through. She checked in on me after class and cheered me on when I continued to keep my grades up, even when I was sick. This past semester, I got to know my Abnormal Psych professor super well. I told her parts of my mental health journey and she shared some of hers with me. She encouraged me to come back and talk to the next round of Abnormal Psych students about mental health and my experience with it.
I could have graduated with no one from my CC to cheer me on. I could have never talked to my professors, never met my admins or office mates, and never joined a club. But I am so glad I didn’t because I had an onslaught of love poured out for me at graduation. My admins and the other staff of my department had to marshall the graduation ceremony, so they got to see me in my gown. They all gave me giant hugs and cheered me on. I saw my Ab Psych professor in the bathroom and she helped me pin my cap in place, giving me a massive hug. Another one of my admins fixed my hood for me before our final pictures. All of these connections I never thought I would make made me feel so valuable and proud of all the I had accomplished.
Lesson: Find your people, wherever you are and they will be there to support you when it matters most. Also, remember to keep in touch.
Final thoughts:
Buy a dress or outfit with pockets for graduation and always pack a change of spanx. I can not stress this enough.
But seriously, I am exhausted from graduation, but feeling totally covered in love. I also have an entire stack of books on my nightstand that I am desperate to get to. I am going to be flying out to see my best friend in Missouri next week, which will give me a lot of reading and chilling time. I am planning to prefilm and schedule videos before I leave, so don’t worry about content.
For everyone who graduated this weekend-WOOP WOOP!! Congrats! For everyone who is still working on finals-keep it up! Summer break is so close!
Thanks for reading all the way through this, if you did. I know it isn’t bookish, but I thought it was important to update y’all. Also thanks for putting up with my totally whacked uploading schedule. I will try to work on that :)
-Jaime